What Would Happen If I Were Gone?

Parenthood does a lot of things to a person.  It forces you to grow up (no matter your age), it requires you to put your children before yourself, and it makes you see things in a different way.  For me, having my daughters also heightened my anxiety.  There are so many things that could go wrong when you have kids, that our brains get overwhelmed by the possibilities.  It’s not that parents want to focus on the worst possible scenario, but our minds go there automatically sometimes.  

My Biggest Fear

One particular fear for me was the thought of what would happen if I were gone.  It wasn’t that I wanted to go anywhere or was planning a sudden exit.  It was more a concern of what would happen to my family if something occurred unexpectedly.  There were a million ways it could happen in my mind, and that wasn’t important, it was the thought of leaving my children and husband behind that I couldn’t bear to think about.  

My Husband is Truly My Partner

My husband is amazing.  He is helpful, handy (our friends jokingly call him the Asian MacGyver), and a hard worker.  He’s always been a doting dad to our daughters and willing to do anything to lend a hand at home.  He cooks dinner as often as I do and cleans too.  Yes, I am a lucky woman!  But, in our home, I am the primary caretaker of our girls.  Not because of some antiquated theory that the woman should be, just because it works for our family.  And we’re both OK with that.  

He is the best at playing with and entertaining our children.  It’s where he shines, and it makes me smile to see how he interacts with our girls.  It’s great too, because while he is keeping them busy, I can focus on doing all the things necessary to make our home run smoothly.  We are a terrific team, and each of us have our own ‘chores’ if you will.  But that’s not exactly what this blog is about… I’d love to leave it at that and walk away, but my brain won’t allow it.  

So here is where the *other* thoughts come into play.  The thoughts of what would happen if I were not here anymore.  The possibilities that go through my head are endless, and I can’t help but wonder how everything would get done.  Because, as phenomenal of a dad as my husband is, the caregiving part is just not his forte.  I mean, I guess that should be the least of my worries if I truly weren’t here, but still.

Things Wouldn’t Be Done My Way

I used to leave annotated notes and scheduled on our refrigerator when my girls were younger.  These papers listed exact medicine dosages, formula amounts, nap times, and reminders of all sorts, detailed down to the minute.  Now that my daughters are older, my thoughts have changed a bit, but are nonetheless still very present in my anxious mind.  

I know things wouldn’t be done the same way I do them if my husband were in charge, and that’s alright.  But this control freak mama (yes, I am well aware that I am one), thinks of all the things that may not be done at all.  How often would my girls shower?  Would their hair ever be brushed and tamed (so they don’t look like a rag-a-muffin as my own mom used to say when I was younger)?  What about taking their vitamins, or cutting their nails?  I am sure their birthday parties would not be the themed extravaganzas that I plan out a year ahead of time, but more of a last minute BBQ in our yard.  I understand that my children would be fine, and even thrive, with their dad taking care of them.  But it just wouldn’t be exactly how I would do it or prefer, and that’s a lot for me to process.  

Then there are the mundane tasks that I shudder to think of him remembering to accomplish in my absence.  Such as making the yearly doctor’s appointments or scheduling dental checkups every 6 months (would they even be brushing their teeth regularly?).  Paying for aftercare at school on time, packing everything necessary for gymnastics class, or planning play-dates might be a challenge.  Plenty of single or stay at home dads do these things all the time, successfully.  It’s just not something my husband has ever had to do before, because those are the things I typically take care of in our family.   So, I know it would be a huge transition for him to take over these tasks.  

Now, since I am totally one for routines (and have trained my family pretty well in this area), I also see the flip side.  I can picture everyone maintaining some semblance of order in the house, even without my reminders.  I can even see our family, friends, and coworkers pitching in to give our family what it would need in those difficult times, but those thoughts are much fewer and farther between, as my anxious mind obviously goes to the more frightening side of the “what-ifs” if I were to be absent.  

Here is how I plan for the worst (while hoping for the best)

1. Have a detailed Last Will and Testament created by a lawyer.
2. Leave step by step instructions for anyone that would be taking over important aspects of my life.
3. Discuss important details about our family life with those who would implement them if I were gone.
4. Make sure that beneficiaries are listed on all important documents.
5. Take (and print!) lots of pictures for my children to look back at, helping them remember the good times and fun adventures.  
6. Share who my support people are/would be, so my husband knows who to ask for help (besides the obvious choices).
7. Discuss the really important things I’d want done after I’m gone (like telling my husband that our girls would NEED to talk to a counselor/therapist…. It’s something he may not think to do).
8. Share all the passwords of all the online accounts that my husband would need (and keep them in a safe place).

My husband and I are a team.  Neither of us are planning to go anywhere anytime soon.  Unfortunately, things like that can’t always be planned out.  We never know when it’s going to be our time to leave our loved ones behind.  So, until that moment when I leave this earth, I am going to try my hardest to enjoy the life I have been blessed with and make the most of each day with my family.   Hopefully, when the time comes, we’ve given our best in this life, and left everyone we love with enough memories to fill their hearts and minds, because in the end that’s what really matters most!