For 5 years I beat myself up. I would find myself trying my hardest to instill rules, structure and obedience in my children (in particular my first born) only to find myself disappointed and stressed out when I’d look around a room and find other children sitting quietly on their parent’s laps eating a snack while mine ran around wild and free, giggling, unable to sit still for more than 10 seconds. I’d find myself making excuses, ‘he’s just tired,’ or ‘he hasn’t been out in a few days,’ often my favorites. Those ideal children I once imagined pre-babies who sit nicely in public and quickly scurry to their rooms after kissing us good night, those were just figments of my imagination because mine were anything but that. But what hurt most was me wasting time thinking that others thought it was my fault my child(ren) acted that way. As if I wasn’t doing my job and just raising a tribe of crazy little people when in reality that wasn’t it at all.
I don’t know if it was baby #3 (turning out more strong willed than any of them) or me getting older, but one day a few months ago, I stopped caring. I stopped trying to change my children and started to embrace the children I had. Also, because with each child I saw a reflection of the other. And three children in, I knew that my husband and I just didn’t created those perfect little calm ones. How could we honestly have expected anything different when we are both loud, strong willed, determined individuals ourselves. The apple was not falling far from the tree so why change it when our job was just to guide it. Besides, our mutual goal had always been to raise respectful, caring children who had manners, not quiet little angels. I worked hard to explain my feelings to my husband who didn’t always agree and didn’t have to. All I asked for was support and his opinion and ideas as to how to raise OUR children to be the best they could be.
I realized that sometimes, it’s ok to break the rules. Rather than continue in the role of you do as I say for I am in charge I worked on the approach of creating a mutual understanding through communication and it worked much better! No longer did I expect my child to ask to be excused from the table. He and his sister learned that it was important for us to eat as a family and suddenly made it a point to wait until everyone was done. We listened to what was important to them and in return they listened to us. We continued to talk about the importance of being kind and empathetic to our peers, respectful to our elders as we always had, just now that they were older we created little scenarios and had them give responses as to how they would handle situations. By making our conversations and overall happiness our priority our family strengthened.
On many instances, it was easier to just hand over the phone (and trust me sometimes we still will out of exhaustion) and create those ‘perfect’ kids when it was convenient but I realized that’s not what I wanted. I wanted children who knew how to participate in conversation and act ‘naughty.’ Because that’s how children learn and develop. I didn’t want to silence my children in fear of what others thought. I wanted them to feel as I always had as a child, an important part of the family.
I replaced any negativity with memories of the many older people that always look on at my family with a smile during times I’ve wanted to disappear. I used to wonder what they found so amusing, but now I realize that they were reminiscing. Reminiscing on a time when they too were in my shoes and as I have been told on more than one occasion, ‘enjoy those beautiful children, because it goes by fast.’ It sure does.
People might not remember the little quiet child in the corner but they will always remember the one running around the room with a big smile on their face. So don’t worry about what others think in times of despair. If you can make sure that your child doesn’t blend in the crowd, then that’s when you have raised the ‘perfect child.’
