After a full decade of infertility and loss, one of the biggest surprises of my life, besides the fact that we were able to conceive and deliver a healthy baby girl, was the fact that I had no desire to stay home with her full time. Having a baby at the tender age of 38 completely upended my sense of order and control over my life. There was so much that confused and confounded me. Getting back to work, in a job I understood and was good at, made me feel somewhat normal again. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon to be a mom. I work hard to be the very best mom I can be. However, over time I’ve come to accept that I’m just not “That Mom.”
You may be asking yourself, what does she mean, “That Mom”? To me, That Mom is basically the perfect mom, the quintessential mom, the Mother of all Moms. June Cleaver with a Pinterest account and a Pilates body. Creative, energetic, involved, constantly present, orbiting around her children like a cookie-baking, class-parenting, play-group-organizing satellite. You know, the mom I thought I was going to be.
Once in a while, I do have my That Mom moments. Despite my plethora of Pinterest fails, I nailed the Minion-themed cupcakes for my youngest’s second birthday party:
This year I found time to help organize the preschool carnival. Once in a while, I volunteer to read in my kids’ classes. Overall, though, the mom I am is a far cry from the mom I daydreamed I would be all those years ago.
So this begs the question – if I’m not That Mom, then what kind of mom am I? First and foremost, I am a mom who absolutely ADORES her children. My kids are beautiful, intelligent, spiritual and soulful creatures. They make me laugh every single day. I am constantly in awe of how deeply and desperately I love them, and how immensely grateful I am to be their mother. Being a mom has been my life’s dream, and I am aware every single day of how it almost never happened for me.
However, I am also a very busy and hard-working mom. Perhaps you can relate? Besides a full-time career, I make breakfast, lunch and dinner (on the nights Chipotle doesn’t make our dinner, that is). I pay bills, do laundry, wash dishes, buy groceries and help with homework. I have a loving husband who does not deserve to be relegated to a back burner or the bottom of my list. My spirit and soul need to be fed, and my coffee addiction is not going to manage itself. My fitness goals may be modest, but they still require time in the gym. I have interests like writing and photography that get bits and pieces of my time. I have a blog. And a puppy. A puppy! That’s practically a full time job right there!
I also make plenty of mistakes (that puppy comes to mind). Sometimes I lose patience with my children. Once in a while I let them eat chocolate before dinner. I often forget things like when it’s my turn to bring fresh fruit for the class snack. Occasionally I let my kids go to bed without taking a bath or brushing their teeth. Sometimes I yell, or I have to walk away and get myself back in control so that I don’t. I even hide in my closet some days.
Every single day, I have to remind myself that it doesn’t matter if I am THAT Mom, whatever THAT Mom may mean. I am THEIR mom, and to them, I am pretty nearly perfect. Maybe this is what balance is. Not in being the perfect mom, but in being the perfect mom for them.
