Share Your Story – Trigger Miscarriage

0

One month ago, today, I was told those words no mother ever wants to hear. Unfortunately, 1 out of 4 women hear these words all too often. “Your baby no longer has a heartbeat.” That day changed my family forever. I know I am a different person because of it, my relationship is different because of it. We are all stronger, but I still hold fear in my heart of the future. Will I get pregnant again? Do I want to get pregnant again? How do I handle that date that comes in 5 months when I was supposed to be holding my new born baby and I am not?

The experience of losing a child comes with a lot of questions. That god-awful day where I went in to check on my baby at 12 weeks to be told there was no longer a heartbeat. The Dr. told me all the science behind it and I  understood all of the science but I still felt cheated in some way. I had two healthy kids, two uneventful pregnancies and I naively thought it couldn’t happen to me. I got home and collapsed into my husband’s arms. We held each other for a while and then I sat with a million things running through my head outside on my porch. I felt numb. I didn’t know how to grieve the loss of a child. No one should have to grieve the loss of a child. So, I did what all moms do I googled. How to grieve a miscarriage? One blog I opened had good points of self-care, but there was something in that blog that made me very angry. She called women of miscarriages “invisible mothers.” What?!

If you have been down this road, I am there with you. It hurts, damn it hurts. But you are NOT invisible! If you carried your baby for 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, 40 weeks it all makes you a mother! You did not do anything wrong! It is not your fault! I didn’t know how to grieve, I didn’t know how my heart would heal after this. My heart will never be fully healed, because a piece of me when my Dr. told me those words walked out that door. I felt empty.

But, I can tell you that talking about it has helped me. My outlet growing up has always been to write. When I was scared, happy, upset, angry. I would write in my journal that my mother gave me at 8 years old. I wrote in that same journal until I was 18. Then, when my husband and I were first dating he bought me a new journal.  My point is if you had a miscarriage 5 years ago, a year ago, or a month ago. Tell someone. Tell a stranger. Write about it. Don’t keep it in.

It is not an easy thing to talk about. I felt like somehow my own body had failed me that even if I didn’t do anything wrong I felt like my body had let me down. We have such a hard time sharing our sorrows with others. Some people don’t know what to say and I just let them know there is nothing they need to say just keep us in their thoughts and prayers.

There is nothing anyone can do to take away the pain. I was over 12 weeks and we had shared our excitement of the pregnancy with family and a few close friends. Having to tell them about our heartbreak was hard, but it would have been much harder to go through it alone. My amazing friends and family checked on me daily. My best friend sent me healing songs every day for two weeks. It is because of them that I am stronger, that I no longer cry every day. There are times I see a mother with three kids at the grocery store and my heart breaks, I see a pregnant lady and my heart breaks, I hold an infant and my heart breaks. But I know it won’t always be that way. I now have an angel in heaven that knows how my heart beats and that is something magical.

Previous articleMomma, You are Enough
Next articleSending Love on Testing Days
Courtney Yates
Courtney was born in St. Louis, MO and since has lived in 12 different states. Courtney met her husband while attending the University of Alabama (Roll Tide), they both continue to be big football fans. Courtney and her husband David have lived in the beautiful town of Jupiter for 4 years after spending many years visiting her in-laws. They have been lucky enough to have two wonderful children born here, Harper (3.5) and Beckham (9 months). She is recently a stay at home mom, former teacher. Although she misses the classroom she is enjoying teaching her own children at home. Courtney enjoys spending time with her family at the beach, iced lattes and wine to keep up with the kids, working out and traveling. Courtney has always had a passion for writing and is excited to blog about all things motherhood and palm beach.