No Best Friend Needed? (What if your Child doesn’t have a best friend?)

Let me tell you about my best friend…

Having a best friend is a normal part of childhood.   When you are young, your best friend is that one person that you always gravitate towards.  It’s having someone who is with you all the time, who you can trust to tell your secrets to, who you play with the most, and who always has your back. 

Usually, your best friend is someone who likes the same things as you, or acts similar to you.  I met my first best friend on the first day of kindergarten many years ago (the exact number isn’t important!). We became friends because we were the only two crying at school drop off.  We instantly connected and began doing play dates (although they weren’t called that back then), sleepovers, and spending all of our time together (we are still friends to this day).  

But what happens when your child doesn’t have a best friend? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?   After all, how many BFF’s truly stay best friends Forever?  While I was a child who seemed to Need a best friend, not all children do.  

My daughters are sweet girls, who are kind and helpful (well, at school they are, anyway).  They are well liked by their peers and have friends in their classes.   They are invited to play dates, birthday parties, and talk about children from school often.  But neither of them has a best friend.  

The fact that they don’t have that one special friend with whom they have a close bond, kind of bothers me as a mom.  So many other kids their ages already have that precious person in their lives.  There are pictures online left and right (hello, age of social media), of my friends’ children with their besties.  They do everything together, and already seem inseparable.  My kids don’t have that yet- and I wish they did.  

Mom guilt steps up quickly, and I wonder if it’s partly my fault they don’t have best friends.  It may seem silly to blame myself for such a thing; but what if we don’t initiate enough play dates with others.  What if the fact that I teach at my daughter’s school makes it harder for her to make those lasting relationships?  

I realize that my girls are only 4 and 7 years old, and they have plenty of time to make those deep connections with someone.  But, because I was a child who Needed a BFF, I don’t understand how they could Not have that in their lives.  

However, apparently my daughters are more mature than I.  If asked, neither of them state that they wish they had a best friend.  Neither of them is upset by the fact that they don’t already have one, or feel they are lacking anything.  Maybe this is because they haven’t had one yet and don’t know what they are missing.  Maybe it’s because they have a lot of cousins they get to play with often.  Or maybe, they are more evolved than I was at their age (or now for that matter, because I still need that one person who knows me better than I know myself).

My daughters don’t feel left out of anything by not having one best friend.  They choose to play with a variety of kids, and for that I am proud.  I just hope that as they grow older, they continue to feel confident enough in themselves to be friends with everyone.  So far, they’ve made smart choices with whom they choose to spend their time, and made friends with kind-hearted, well-behaved children.  As a parent, I can’t ask for much more than that.  

No Best Friends Needed

There are actually a lot of positive reasons to purposely choose to not have a best friend, as I’ve found in my recent online searching. 

• Being friends with everyone is much more inclusive and makes everyone feel valued. 
• Best friends are sometimes so close that they tend to exclude others, even if it’s not intentional.
• BFF’s can also be the start of social cliques in school, which can make students that are not part of the circle feel left out. 

This is why some schools have begun to ban the phrase ‘best friend’ completely, and as a teacher I can totally see the benefit of this new movement.  

So, for now I will pray that my children remain content including everyone as their friend, and don’t feel the need to have just one best friend… even if that’s different from how I was a child.  They both know that I will always be their #1 friend and stand by them no matter what.  I hope that as they continue in school, they choose to be friends with positive people, and make lasting friendships with those that will support them as they grow and mature. 

It’s amazing what our children can teach us, sometimes.  What started out as a concern on my part, has made me realize just how well-adjusted and smart my daughters really are (not sure I can take any credit for that).  I am blessed that they choose to be friends with everyone and not narrow their choice to just one best friend for now.  And if they do decide to strengthen their friendships with one best friend in the future, that’s ok too, because I know they will remain aware of others’ feelings, and hopefully still include everyone as much as possible.